hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize