I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
