My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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