I'm sorry my penis didn't work
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
