I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
