i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Randomize
