fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I want her autograph on my taint
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Randomize
