Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
