I hate all girls vehemently.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
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How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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