Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
