you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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