I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Randomize
