20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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