was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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