they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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