how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
