My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Randomize
