ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
oh god the rape fog is back!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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