i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
