I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You may be in san diego, but I just watched a guy in a wheelchair sing walking in memphis for karaoke. Check and mate.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
