My sheets look like a crime scene.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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