its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
