he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize