everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
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Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
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How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
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