When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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