He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
