He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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