He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
