found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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