Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
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all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
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Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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