Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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