why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Randomize
