Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
