I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Randomize
