you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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