Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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