Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i don't like sucking hair
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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