I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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