Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
