I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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