Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
