when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
we're so committed to being not committed
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
