Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
