She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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