Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
