If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
