omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
