That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
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