How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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