Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
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I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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