If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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