You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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