New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
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Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
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Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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