Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
i think he drugged the pie. i'll get back to you on that later.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
