After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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