I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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