if i can run in heels then i can drive
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
cat food counts as protein by the way
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Randomize
